There was a period in my life when I would write incessantly; when writing seems to be the only activity that made sense to me, regardless of how I fared in terms of talent or skill. I knew I wasn’t that good of a writer, and probably still isn’t, but I write anyway.
I write to make sense to myself. I write as an attempt to find answers to burning questions, to gain clarity to ambiguous thoughts, to make a stand, to find my voice, to know who I am.
30 years. Yet still not old enough to know. I’ll never know the answers because I’m not asking the right questions. From this little corner, I’ll tell you what life has been as of late.
There are highs and lows. There are plateaus. There are tiny moments of glory. There are tons of sadness I shove under the rug or conceal behind a lipsticked smile. There are many uncertainties, and none so much of bravery to speak of.
There are prospects of doing this and that project, something that will have me exercising what I’m truly passionate about. So far, all I ever do is procrastinate. I find every and all reasons to do so.
It’s not all that bad, in reality. Because the truth is, if I choose to look at things from a brighter perspective, I am truly abundant. I have an abundance of everything that I need. Perhaps it’s really just my nature to complain, which is bad.
So let me tell you how I got a good raise at work this year. Wow. I didn’t expect that. I work for a good company and in good company. I have this little corner of an office, my own room, with privacy and all that. The environs are good. My apartment is close to work, and the place is not so bad for the price I pay monthly. I mean, how I cherish the convenience it brings!
Most of the time, I own my 5pm onwards. Can be better but hey, isn’t it nice? I get to savor my coffee until 9 in the morning before walking my way to the office, which only takes about 10 minutes. I get to write this. I get to jog in the evening when I want to. I can read. It’s a pretty boring life, I tell you. Boring but nice. Do I crave for an adventure? From time to time, yes, I do.
There are longings like I’m sure you have as well. There are moments, adventures to look forward to. But for now, this will do.
Sure, I’ll get tired and restless again. I hope I can get me to calm down and plant my feet firmly on the ground as I might wander off towards the boundary between dangerous and fun.
But it’s peaceful now. I like peace. It may not be human nature to be this way until the end, yet when disrupted, when chaos erupts, we tend to fight for peace anyway. So here, let me savor this peace; these silent hummings of my heart as if to say, yes, now you have the right to hum whatever tune you like. I will continue to just be. If anything or anyone attempts to break this peace, then perhaps it’s meant to be. And even if I’m not ready, I’m sure I’ll find my way.
Sometimes I wonder if my writing voice is louder than my speaking voice. You know what I mean– whether I’m supposed to be writing more, career-wise, or just do my best wherever I am at the moment.
Sometimes I wonder if I’m too vague, or simply thinking out loud, writing away as my mind speaks. I tend to treat this place as my diary.
So, now, I’ll leave this little corner for the day, have my coffee, get my running gear and join the rest of the people who, like me, are also just finding their way.